My Story

It all started as a lark.

At a Jack Canfield seminar in August 2004, I set a goal of giving 100 Hugs by the end of the event on Saturday.

By day two, I was sitting at the front of the room, dancing to the music when we arrived in the morning and being noticed. It began feeling safe and comfortable to be hugging fellow participants.

I asked my subconscious “I wonder what it would be like giving hugs outside of the room? People would see me as off the wall and strange.” It felt scary! And strange.

I let go of those thoughts and decided to have fun. Hey, I was in Vegas. I had set my goal but didn’t take it seriously.

I hugged strangers in the elevator, in the bar and in the restaurant. I hugged gamblers and businessmen, the serving staff for the seminar, and my waitress at breakfast. Whenever I asked from my heart, people welcomed a hug and by Saturday night I had shared over 100 hugs with people more different than I could have imagined. I felt connected and I was high on life.

I began thinking about putting this into action in the real world; wanted to see if I could take something that I was learning at a seminar, in a safe room, and extrapolate that into the real world. Vegas was safe, but what about home where people know me and I know myself. How could I face rejection? I just don’t go around hugging people in the real world. It’s not my style.

But… I began thinking. If giving 100 hugs was such a great experience how about more? How about 1000 hugs? What would that be like? I wanted to grow and push myself so I set a challenge. I would give 1001 hugs by New Years Eve 2004.

Back home in Vancouver, one of the first hugs I gave was to the bulk food clerk at my local grocery.

My mind screamed at me “people will see you as strange, this is not your normal behaviour” while my mouth asked “Have you had a hug today? Can I give you a hug?”

He looked at me strangely then said “what the heck. I wouldn’t turn down a hug”

At the UPS Store, where I have been going twice a week for over 2 years, I told them about the conference and my goal of giving 1001 hugs by New Year’s Eve. “Could I give them a hug?” I asked. Now each time I collect my mail I share a hug.

I noticed that service industry workers provide so much and desperately want to be acknowledged. They give so much and get so little back. Every server loved getting a hug.

At the senior’s residence where my mother has lived for the past two years, I discovered that elderly people are starving for touch. They loved getting hugs and often had few or no visitors. Residents began watching for me so they were sure to get their hug.

After a while I began to take my goal seriously, shooting for the numbers and it turned into a job. When it became about myself, I was less attractive and people began to say no.

I became more aware of who I shy away from: hugely obese people or people with great deformities because I am afraid and don’t know how to approach them. Serendipity offered me both and it was my sense of right and wrong that helped me to offer them hugs. The shift in me was great and I became connected to people in a way that I have never been connected to people before.

I eased up, moved to a place of love and became easy about giving. Once again it was fun to see the smiles and feel the raised energy.

New Years Eve and I have 60 hugs still to go. I have to decide whether to leave my family and friends in a warm and cosy cabin, get dressed up, warm up the car for the drive into town and finish what I set out to do 5 months ago. Nearest the finish line was where my mind frick was the strongest.

I drove into Whistler. It is now time for some strategy: where can I go to make it easy? I started at a coffee shop in the village and never left. I began by asking for their help. “I have set a goal of giving 1001 hugs by New Years Eve. I have now given 940 hugs. Will you help me? Can I give you a hug?”

This made it easy for people to help. It cost them nothing. The whole coffee shop started helping out. As each icy blast of air announced someone new coming into the coffee shop, customers whom I had already hugged began directing the newcomer over to me. It was a party atmosphere!

999 heart-to-heart hugs gifted. Only two left. From behind the serving counter two people, who had been hiding because of their shyness, are lead out by their friend. I hug each of them, look them directly in the eye and say “Thank you for helping me reach my goal.” I was high on life!

I didn’t know how important personal development was. I have a better understanding of who people are and it is about what I am giving, not about what I am getting. I experienced a place of peace and ease.

I discovered that when I do what I love, and give from a sense of love, what a calm place that is to come from and how better connected I become to people.

Qualifying hug: count only one heart-to-heart hug per person, per day.

By Jacque Small, as told to Hunter Dickson

PS:  Check out this article to see how hugs can affect your mental health.

Getting divorced was the hardest decision I ever had to make due to financial comfort and fear of starting all over at 50. However, I was so miserable and had been for many, many years for a number of reasons; the main ones were that he was an alcoholic and very controlling.

I was starving for affection and got involved in a relationship immediately after leaving my ex, but was smart enough to get out and not get married again to another very controlling alcoholic. I got involved again in another relationship, moved in together, but finally realized that I needed to be alone and learn to live by myself and depend on making my own happiness.

It’s been two years now since I’ve been living on my own, and I’ve never been happier in my life. I moved to a cute little town which is a lot like Mayberry with the nicest people, and it was so easy to make friends. I do what I want, when I want, and where I want, and I don’t have to ask anybody.

I have a new girlfriend who is also single, my age, and we both LOVE music. We go to concerts together, Art & Wine Festivals, etc., She’s my new “date.” Having my girlfriend’s over for coffee, beers, or cocktails, laughing our guts out, and having “group therapy” is better than any on-line date. I’m at a place in my life that I’m happy being alone, and if I get lonely, I just pick up the phone and call a girlfriend or one of my sisters.

I have very high standards for the next man that I allow into my life, and I’ve decided that I’m not going out there searching for him. If it’s meant to be, then it will happen when I’m doing something that I love, but if not, then that’s okay too. I enjoy my time with my grand kids, family, and wonderful group of friends, which now includes men. I’ve learned I don’t have to get involved with every man I like,they can be my “friends.”

I want to let you know that it was tough getting here, and I worked VERY hard at building this new life for myself. There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and it’s YOU!!!!!!!! Discovering who you are and what you like is a big part of the journey to a wonderful life. It’s hard to see that at first especially when you’re going through an ugly divorce like I did. BUT, it will happen. I wish you all love, peace, and harmony during these struggles.

♥♥♥♥

Karen’s story is a wonderful one because she has taken responsibility for her own life.  It was up to her to create her own happiness, rather than looking for it outside of herself in male relationships.  Now she knows what happiness is and when she attracts another significant relationship she can determine if her happiness is going up or down.

Click here to read Karen’s original story and other people’s comments.

Or maybe you think you have a really great relationship; you talk about any of the major decisions that you need to make, such as buying a car, problems at work, and issues with your kids.  Sure there are some things that you wished would be different, but for the most part you respect your partner and just choose to let those things go that don’t seem to work.

So even though you have a good relationship, how would you know if you are actually making the most of it?  We defer to Robert Masters who has worked as a psychotherapist and teacher since 1977.  In his book Transformation Through Intimacy, he outlines four stages of relationships, which we have summarized here and are cover more fully in earlier blog posts.  We can use a variety of signs and behaviors to recognize the stage in which we are operating. As our relationships grow, we continue to include the earlier stages, although how we relate to these stages becomes more mature. As we move through each stage there is an increasing depth to our relationships.

The Four Stages of Relationships

Stage One: Me Centered Relationships

Stage one is a me-centered relationship run by the ego. The ego of one partner usually dominates that of the other partner. In this stage each person is focused on “What is in it for me?” There is usually an uneasy coalition of some sort, with very little intimacy.

Stage Two: We Centered Co-dependent Relationships

Stage two, the second more advanced relationship stage is the we-centered co-dependent relationship where equality is highly valued and differences may get flattened out. The couple acts as one and cultivates a guarded separation from whatever exists outside. Partners negotiate over what would best serve the relationship.The betrayal that occurs is that the potential of each individual is devalued in favor of the safety and comfort provided by the relationship.

Stage Three: We Centered Co-independent Relationships

In stage three, a we-centered co-independent relationship, both partners make it a priority to maintain their individuality while still working together in partnership. They negotiate over differences and take more personal risks. Autonomy, although much more adult than in me-centered relationships, is often given too much weight. More maturity and a deeper sense of connection are present than in Stage One.  However, conflict is avoided to preserve the illusion of a safe, skirmish-free relationship.

Stage Four: Being Centered Relationships

The being-centered relationship of stage four contains all the qualities of the previous three stages. The difference is that the couple does not act out the qualities of the other stages; they relate to those qualities instead. The relationship is rooted in shared love, power, depth, and presence. This stage is characterized by ever-deepening passion where the couple can explore places and patterns in themselves that they would otherwise avoid. The relationship becomes a place where both people can work through their childhood conditioning in a loving and supported way.

In the first two stages of relationship, couples often stay together more for security and comfort than for real intimacy. Masters points out that there is often “a mutual pact not to rock the boat, while trying to find some pleasure amidst its stagnant or tepid waters.” He continues to say that, “sloppy dialogues, emotional illiteracy, go-nowhere arguments, little cruelties, everyday stupidities, mismatched desires, mechanical rituals, half-heartedness, putting off what needs to be done—these are some of the things that clutter me-centered and we-centered relationships.”

The Ideal Relationship

Masters proposes that in stage four, “our relationship with our beloved is a sacred container which we are deeply committed to taking good care of and protecting.” The relationship is a place where we are supported to learn, grow and evolve in this world to be the person that each of us would ideally like to be.  Together we can find greater freedom, joy, and happiness when we are able to enter into a fourth-stage relationship and support each to have the kind of life that each of us most desires.

Self-Reflection Questions

• What stage is your relationship operating at?
• What stage are you operating at in your relationship?
• What could you do differently to operate at a higher stage?

The being-centered relationship of stage four contains all the qualities of the previous three stages. The difference is that the couple does not act out the qualities of the other stages; they relate to those qualities instead. The relationship is rooted in shared love, power, depth, and presence.

This stage is characterized by ever-deepening passion where the couple can explore places and patterns in themselves that they would otherwise avoid. The relationship becomes a place where both people can work through their childhood conditioning in a loving and supported way. Being-centered couples are rarely reactive; instead they cut through the reactivity to explore its underlying cause. Once they can see through their reactivity, they have an opportunity to respond to the situation at hand.

Lynne’s Current Relationship

In my current marriage, we are each very committed to being self-aware and conscious of what we bring into the relationship.  My husband is a spiritual teacher whose life’s work has to do with stepping outside of common wisdom and conventions to be true to ourselves.  There is no room for being anything less than authentic. I can’t say there is no reactivity, however when there is, we know there is an opportunity to look at what the underlying cause is.  We know there is something to heal and we go to it.

When we came together I was in awe of his depth of awareness and still had much to learn.  I wanted to be acknowledged by him and my ego did get in the way sometimes. It was hard for me to admit when I didn’t want to look at my own stuff.  But we moved through that, as couples do in a fourth stage relationship.

The intimacy, tenderness, acceptance and forgiveness has grown between us to be a truly ideal relationship where we fully support each other.

Third Stage of the Four Stages of Marriage

In stage three, a we-centered co-independent relationship, both partners make it a priority to maintain their individuality while still working together in partnership. They negotiate over differences and take more personal risks. Autonomy, although much more adult than in me-centered Stage One relationships, is often given too much weight. More maturity and a deeper sense of connection are present than in Stage One.

More adult means their ego is more in check and does not always need to be right, while making their partner wrong.  They don’t need to control everything in the relationship to have it “their way”, they are able to let their partner’s opinions influence them.

However, when emotional reactivity occurs, partners often withdraw from each other and behave the opposite from the way their emotional reactivity is pointing. Rather than expressing anger they withdraw into their respective corners, keeping their thoughts to themselves. Conflict is avoided to preserve the illusion of a safe, skirmish-free relationship.

Milo and Me

Milo, my former husband, and I functioned primarily at stage three. We maintained our individuality, and yet we worked in harmony with each other to create a reasonably happy home for 17 years.  Our relationship functioned with a high degree of harmony primarily because Milo avoided conflict at all costs.

Early in our relationship Milo negotiated with me to not have open arguments with raised voices.  This caused him to feel physically ill. So I agreed and for the most part we rarely had open conflict and were able to make joint decisions relatively easily.  I had said many times that I had the best of both worlds being in partnership with Milo; I was single and independent when I wanted to be and I had a partner to do all the fun things in life with.

It all worked fine until one day Milo told me he was unhappy and wanted to leave; I didn’t even know we were having a problem. We had done such a great job of being independent and creating a safe skirmish free relationship that I wasn’t aware our relationship was crumbling.

Stage Two Relationships

Stage two, the second more advanced relationship stage is the we-centered co-dependent relationship where equality is highly valued and differences may get flattened out. The couple acts as one and cultivates a guarded separation from whatever exists outside. Partners negotiate over what would best serve the relationship, diplomatically defusing whatever might threaten it. Both partners generally show a great deal of tolerance. The betrayal that occurs is that the potential of each individual is devalued in favor of the safety and comfort provided by the relationship.

In we-centered relationships the ego is well and alive, although it is suppressed so as not to rock the boat. We-centered couples withhold speaking their truth and avoid facing their differences for fear of the relationship changing in a negative way. It is better to keep quiet than to challenge what is not working. The couple misses out on the opportunity to use reactivity and conflict as a means to growth. They are willing to settle for good enough.

Tim and Sue Keep the Peace

This is the kind of relationship Tim and Sue had.  From the outside it looked like Tim and Sue had a great relationship.  Tim is a businessman and he really respected Sue’s input on the business decisions he needed to make.  However when it came to the more personal aspects of their relationship Tim did not ask for what he wanted in the relationship,  he was afraid of being rejected by Sue and losing her love.  Tim told me Sue had some behaviors that were very intimidating and rather than giving Sue feedback on these behaviors he either tolerated them and said nothing or tried even harder to gain her approval.

The biggest area of contention occurred around the bedroom, with neither Tim nor Sue having a forthright and open conversation about what both of them wanted.  They both avoided an in depth conversation keeping an uneasy peace in the relationship.  Both of them tenaciously persevered the we-centered co-dependent relationship rather than challenging each other to give and receive more of what each of them wanted in the relationship.

In this series of five blog articles we are going to look at the different kinds of relationships we can have starting at the most unbalanced kind of relationships, working our way towards the most ideal kind of relationship.  Robert Masters in Transformation Through Intimacy,  outlines four stages of relationships.

What stage is your relationship primarily operating at?

Stage One

Stage one is a me-centered relationship run by the ego. The ego of one partner usually dominates that of the other partner. In this stage each person is focused on “What is in it for me?” There is usually an uneasy coalition of some sort, with very little intimacy. The relationship is usually held together through a power dynamic rooted in fear and obedience, with the man often holding most of the power. Betrayal in the relationship is common, whether through sexual or emotional affairs or pornography.

When one or both partners are emotionally reactive, conflict usually erupts when each partner wants to be right. Being right is much more important than being happy or actually caring about the other.

The dominant partner often blames the less dominant partner. The weaker partner usually backs down and feels like a victim, internalizing his or her emotional feelings and withdrawing from passion. The weaker partner may express hurt and frustration by complaining to a friend, but will rarely take action due to fear of losing the dominant partner, whom they have come to rely upon.

In this type of relationship, the less dominant person may not speak his or her own truth due to fear of change and loss. At this stage the relationship often becomes lifeless and void of any passion or love. One partner may be giving the “false OK” indicating everything is fine in the relationship until one day he or she just decides to leave.

Lynne Remembers Her First Marriage

My husband and I got along OK, but it was mostly because I was trying to appease him. He was a few years older than me and in retrospect he treated me much like his younger sisters.  He would tease me, and give me a hard time in jest, but it was invalidating.

We were only together five years and after only a year or two it felt kind of lifeless.  I remember at one point feeling a very spooky sensation of having lost myself completely. When I started standing up for myself conflict erupted between us and his reactions really scared me. I knew it was time to get out or accept being totally dominated.

Whether it is delicious or bitter depends upon the kind of energy you pour into the pot.

I was brewing up a bitter soup a few weeks ago and had the opportunity to reflect on what was happening while listening to the TED Talk by Hedy S. “The Power of Connection” Hedy was describing how in any relationship, and especially with our partners we constantly transmit energy into the energetic space that exists between us.

Law of Attraction

Let us also consider the law of attraction which states that we attract to us the same energy that we send out.  If we pour negative energy into the soup cauldron then we are likely to attract more negative energy.  This is the way we create our own reality, consciously or unconsciously.

This bitter soup had been simmering for several months, and it eventually erupted into conflict.  The base ingredients were my reaction to behaviors of my current and former partners.

Bringing the Past Forward

Conrad my current partner is very outgoing and charismatic and he likes to stay up late.

My former husband, Milo betrayed my trust at the end of our relationship. Mix in my ingrained belief that anyone who stays up late must be up to no good, and my unresolved conditioning around being betrayed and I started generating an energy of mistrust.

Negative Energy

Pouring this negative energy of mistrust and the corrosive energy of jealousy into the soup between Conrad and I resulted in what I feared most: losing my relationship and being alone.  One day an “event” occurred, for which I knew some basic facts and my mind filled in the gaps with a negative story born from my fear.  The soup pot boiled over, scalding both of us.

When negative energy is poured into our relationship cauldron, our partners usually have a negative reaction. Their negative reaction adds more unpalatable energy to the soup and the charged energy between us starts to escalate.  In our case, my mistrust, which Conrad sensed, helped to fuel his behaviors propelling us forward on a collision course with misunderstanding and conflict.  Several men have told me that knowing their partner trusts them, means everything.

Resolving Emotional Conditioning

It wasn’t until after this conflict boiled over, and I sat down to resolve my emotional conditioning that I became aware of its roots. I realized I was still carrying the pain of betrayal from my past relationship.  I also became aware of my deeply held belief of being “up to no good.”  I choose to use this event as a learning experience to see how I created my own reality.

Quite simply, the perfect circumstances occurred to make a negative story my mind had been writing for several months plausible.  When the circumstances occurred I wrote a whole movie and had even more negative reactions based on the script.  The soup pot contained a poisonous brew which almost dissolved our relationship.

Communication Helps

When we eventually talked about it, and reviewed the roles we played Conrad quite simply requested that I “trust my man.” I have chosen to do so.  I requested that he change his night time behaviors and he has agreed.  We decided to empty the soup pot and start over.

What happens between two people in relationship goes far beyond our words. In fact the words are likely the result of the emotional energy that is flowing into your invisible soup cauldron.  To have happy, vibrant and deep loving relationships with our partners, we need to focus on self-responsibility in a very deep way. We need to be very conscious of the energy we are adding to our relationship pot.

What kind of soup are you cooking, delicious and nutritious or bitter and corrosive?

Knowing what you really want

Conflict can start when we enter a relationship without knowing what kind of person we really want to be with. Sometimes we are just happy to have found someone so we don’t have to be alone. Later as we get to know one another better we find our partner lacking and wish they would fulfill our expectations of them.  We end up allowing our negative emotions to overwhelm the positive emotions that we have for our partner.

Be clear about the qualities and characteristics you desire in a mate before entering into intimate relationship and then put your attention and focus on your partner’s positive qualities.

Let men be men and women be women…

As more and more women work outside the home, cultural gender roles are shifting. With this, it’s apparent that some women have taken on typically male behaviours in order to survive in a man’s world and have lost connection with their femininity. Men are taking on more of the roles required to keep things in order at home. Women send mixed messages, expecting men to show their feminine side and then judge them for being weak when they do.  Men end up feeling disempowered and find such women unattractive.

We’re generalizing a lot here and there are many increments on the male/female balance scale. It is vital to recognize in relationship that men do things differently than women and we need to appreciate each other for what we bring to the relationship. What’s most important is that you are both aware and in agreement about what works best in your relationship, regardless of cultural expectations.

Keeping the spark alive

Has your relationship become flat and boring?  Perhaps it is because you are taking your partner for granted and are no longer stoking the fires of your relationship. Sparks occur in our relationships when women embrace their femininity and men their masculinity. If you are a women; do you dress attractively, do you do little things for your man, do you serve him and treat him special?  If you’re a man do you take care of your woman; do you open the door for her, do you bring her a gift or flowers once in a while, do the little things she likes?

I know when my partner opens the car door for me or brings me a cup of tea before I ask for it, I feel special and I can feel love in my heart.  Romance is knowing what our partner likes and then doing it for them.  This way we fuel the fire of our relationship and keep the sparks alive.

Connected in the Bedroom?

What’s happening in the relationship gets played out in the bedroom. If you’re feeling disconnected in your communication or disagree in other aspects of your relationship it’s not likely this will all disappear when you roll into bed, unless you make a point of keeping the bedroom sacred.

Sexual energy and desire is natural and healthy for both men and women. Many of us have suppressed or shut it down due to cultural influences, fear of rejection, resentment or judgement toward our mate, or a myriad of other reasons. Couples who have an active sexual relationship are happier and healthier. If it’s not happening between you what is getting in the way?

Parenting

This can be is one of the biggest hot spots in a relationship and a killer of intimacy if you let it.  Are you in agreement on how to parent your children?  Most couples notice a decrease in their happiness with the arrival of children and it is even more stressful if you and your partner aren’t in agreement on how to raise your children.

Rather than assuming you are on the same page it’s important to take the time to establish and agree on the rules you expect your children to uphold, how they will be disciplined and the activities they will participate in.  Plus you need to do your children a favour, hire a baby sitter and make sure that you take some time for your relationship.

Keeping a relationship healthy and vibrant requires that you know what you want, ensure that you respect each other as men and women and take action to keep the sparks alive in and out of the bedroom.

Science First: Brain Chemicals

Have you been bitten by the love bug?  When we first fall in love our brain produces a cocktail of chemicals that helps us get to the attachment stage of our relationships and marriage.  These chemicals cause thoughts of our partners to pop into our heads and to only see the good in them. Unfortunately the production of these chemicals declines over time and we return to our normal state. This is not your partner’s fault!

Only the Good

In the early stages we see all the wonderful possibilities of our partners. Then as time passes we start to see their shortfalls, the behaviours that aren’t so attractive. We criticize these behaviours and try to get them to change. The more we criticize the more conflict occurs, the more we try to force change the more animosity arises. Before you know it we look at our partner as the enemy only seeing the negative behaviours. We no longer seeing the things we originally loved about then.

When you first got together what attracted you to your partner?

The Person Who Helps Us Heal

Harvel Hendrix and many others in the counseling field believe that the person we attract as a partner has similar attributes as our early childhood caregivers, both good and bad.  The attributes of our caregivers contribute to our emotional conditioning and marriage becomes the container in which we can do our healing. Our partner is often a perfect mirror reflecting back what needs to be healed in us.  Because we don’t know how to heal we often see our partner as the enemy rather than our coach!

• What would you like to change about your partner?
• How does this apply to you?
• Who could help you with the healing?

Getting our Needs Met

In the early stages of relationship we are often willing to do whatever we can for our partner. We take care of their unmet needs for love and recognition.  If one person is doing more of the giving, eventually they start to ask the question “what am I getting out of this?”  They withdraw the services they were providing in the name of love and become more demanding.  When this occurs neither partner is getting their needs met and both people are often feeling unloved and dissatisfied.

• What do you need your partner to do for you to feel happy?
• What is one thing you could do for your partner to make them happy?

Unmet Expectations

When we come together with a partner we have an image or an idea of what the relationship could become. We fall in love with this idea or vision as much as we fall in love with the person.  This creates an expectation or a story about what our relationship could or should be.  When it doesn’t match our vision, we feel disappointed and another story about our worst fears or concerns begins to take shape.  Most of us blame the other person for not living up to our expectations and make them wrong.

• What unmet expectation do you have about your relationship?
• How could you let go of this expectation to re-engage in your relationship?

Lack of Effort and Investment

Early in a relationship we put our best foot forward in all kinds of ways.  We dress up and look our best, show up on time or call when we are late, keep our house clean and the dishes done.  As time wears on, our best efforts disappear and we return to normal or even worse. We no longer pay attention to what our clothes look like, the house is messy and needs cleaning, there are dirty dishes in the sink; the list goes on.  We stop making an effort to impress our partner and be our best; we stop investing in the relationship.

What is one thing that you could do to invest in your relationship?

Mismatched Sexual Desires

Sexual activity is generally fundamental for longevity of relationships. There are some exceptions where both partners have mutually agreed that sexual relationships are not desired.  These however are often the exception not the norm.  Sex either becomes a weapon that couples use to hurt each other or it declines into relative obscurity.  If sexual activity is desired there is always someone outside the relationship who will appreciate what is not appreciated at home.  Lack of fidelity is the ultimate step into the camp of the enemy.

The demise of the feelings of love have many causes; it may be quick within a few years of getting married or it may be a gradual slipping into the abyss of disappointment and blame as our partners prove to be someone different than who we wanted. Essentially it’s up to us to make the choices to keep our relationships thriving once the ‘in love’ brain chemicals subside.